Will we try again?

This is our little Crea shelf at home.
 It has all the small gifts we received while we were in the hospital, the mold of her
tiny hand and foot and the small red sparkly jar is her urn.
 

This week was my first full week back at work. It was great to get back and get busy. The days at home were difficult as I didn't feel very useful. The doctors didn't really want to release me because it wasn't even 6 weeks from her delivery but I insisted citing, "I need it for my mental health". (o:

It was mostly good. A little hard at times and I had my moments where I sat in my truck and cried. But overall, it was good. When I left to be in the hospital, many of the folks I work with saw me big and pregnant when they saw me last.  There was one apartment I went to inspect and when the manager saw me, she welcomed me back warmly and asked, "How's your baby?" I tried to suppress my emotion and said, "She passed away, actually." She immediately started crying. I didn't know what to do or say. I said, "It's ok. She was strong and we are so grateful for the time we had with her." She composed herself and told me she had just lost her fiancé to a long fight with cancer. When I got in my truck after our conversation, I smiled and felt SO grateful. I had the opportunity to share some of our journey and encourage her on hers. Right before I left, she asked if she could give me a hug and I told her, "You are not alone in your grief."

Wow. I am so, so grateful that even through some of my hardest moments, God still sees me fit enough to use. Even in my brokenness, He brings people into my path so I may share His light. I can't explain it clearly, but I am truly touched and grateful that even at a moment that I thought would break me, I could still be strength to someone who needed that moment.  Our God...in His infinite mercy...I am humbled and proud.

Moment by moment we take it each day. There isn't a moment that goes by when I don't miss our sweet girl and miss the days that should have been. Today we went to Cabela's (one of our favorite stores) and Terry kept asking me if I was ok. I kept seeing all these things thinking, "I would have loved that for Crea".

It really isn't about getting through the days. It's more about getting through the moments. So, even if some are harder than others, we still get through! *smile*

Now, its time to answer the question that many think of and some have asked..."will we try again?"

Here is the long, unclear answer.

Our desire to have a family is greater than it has ever been. Now we know that we can carry a pregnancy. After 14 years of miscarriages, the hope and belief that we CAN is at its highest point for us. We would LOVE to be pregnant again.

However, the reality for us right now is that Crea was very, very sick. I haven't really shared everything to the extent that it was because I'm not ready yet, but when I say that it was a miracle we got to meet her...please know that I say that with absolutely zero exaggeration. She was amazing, strong and a true miracle. The hospital sent a bunch of her blood to a lab to look at a lot of different things, but part of that is the genetics. We are still waiting for the results and hope to get them soon. What we are hoping to find out is if any of her illness could have been avoided and what role did we play in it? Was it just a fluke chance that it "just happens" or were there different things we could have done before we got pregnant to provide what was needed for her? Oh! The questions are many, many! But ultimately, we want to know IF we try again, what is the chance we would have a sick baby? If the chances are high and there is nothing we can do to avoid it, we have decided we will not try to get pregnant again and will take the proper measures to insure it doesn't ever happen.

We have always considered adoption and surrogacy.  Once we get the answers of Crea's bloodwork, we will decide how we will move forward.

I keep having a dream/vision that we have a baby and find out we are pregnant. I don't know if that is just my made-up dream or if it is something that will happen one day.

The short of it is this, however. Terry's faith and hope are sustaining us today. My heart is still broken and my goal each day is to get through the holidays and start the year new. I KNOW I want to have a family, but right now, my hope gauge is running on fumes. I am grateful that each day it gets a little stronger, but I am just taking it a moment at a time. (This is just me being honest)

SO....long answer made longer...
We hope. We wait. We hope. We dream. We wait. We hope. We dream and we wait.

I pray this message finds you well. The weather is getting cooler and each day we celebrate this life! For the good and not so good, this life is truly beautiful!!!

PS
If you are reading these blogs and have any commentary, questions, comments, I'd love to hear from you! It gets lonely in blog world when you don't hear from anyone.  (o: