Have I lost my fight???

I look around and everything still looks the same. Let's see....my hair is still long and curly. My eyes are still brown. I am still vertically challenged. yep. I still LOOK like the same person.....but something has changed.

I go on about my days and all seems fairly normal, except for one thing....I think I've lost my fight. What I mean is that I think I have lost the desire to fight. It is very surreal. Not a bad thing...I just don't really feel that I need to fight for everyone else's injustice. I don't need to fight because something is not being done the way I think it is supposed. I don't feel the need to try and "help anyone understand" anything. For the past year I have been saying, "it is what it is". I think I have finally REALLY adopted this and not only are they words, but actually what I believe.

The other day I was watching this stupid show called Whale Wars. It is like a car wreck! I just can't turn it off. Animal planting had a casting call for the biggest imbeciles and put them on a ship. These idiots feel their greatest cause is to save the whales they believe are being killed wrongly by the Japanese. If you haven't seen this show it is hysterical...you should try and catch it!

However, last night I wasn't laughing as I watched. In fact, quite the opposite, I was almost in tears. Why? Because they showed one of the hunting ships chasing down a whale for miles and miles, finally spearing him and reeling him in close to the ship where a man on the deck took a rifle and shot the whale.
BANG!
You can see the whale coming up for air
BANG!
He is bleeding out horribly. The commentator speak of the stench of the blood
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Eight shots and twenty minutes later, this poor whale finally died.

...I was sad.

That's it. I was sad.

There wasn't, "I was sad and then so angry I wrote a letter or called so and so or started researching this or that." I was just sad.
At work, there are situations that have happened where I just sat and listened. I walked to my office and was upset. But it ended there. "It is what it is", I mumble under my breathe. Things aren't perfect with my family all the time and at times, I feel hurt and upset. "It is what it is".

What is it?? When did this happen to me???!? I used to fight for every cause in which I felt there was injustice! If I felt injustice against me, the fight was there. Now....I just leave it....and pray it will work itself out...but I don't feel the need, desire, will or even energy to try and change opinions, move people or items to favor what I believe to be the right.

This is a very new place in my life. I am not sure where or when it started. I just know that it is here now....and quite frankly, I very much appreciate it. It's not that I don't care because I seriously DO! I just don't feel that I need to fight for it anymore. I mean, things are what they are. I can try and put in my three cents, but that is the extent to where I go. I no longer feel I need to drill it in or start a movement. I just feel like I need to let it be and trust that it will turn out in a way that will benefit all...and if it doesn't...well..it is what it is!

I'm still the same person..only different. Life reveals things to us in it's ever-so-slow ways...and I believe it has revealed that those that are really there for you, that really care for you will push into to you also; it won't be one-sided. If the situation doesn't move the way we feel it should, either I will come to my senses or the other parties involved will and it will weigh out perfectly.

All in all, it doesn't mean I won't fight for an outstanding cause. But I just don't feel like being anyone's soldier anymore. Nor do I feel like everything has to be a fight. Kinda like the father in the movie the Patriot...despite who he was, he was ready to stay home and be a dad. That is me...I am just good to be. I appreciate the small things and those who have chosen to be in my life. If you aren't and I have stopped making contact, my heart for you has not changed. I still desire to have a relationship...I'm just waiting...being. I am still here.

I have lost my fight, but it is well with me.

Having a beautiful moment!

I just had a moment. I was speaking with one of the families I get to serve and they had a little girl that kept looking at me. She saw I had my engagement ring on and she took the silver ring of her right hand middle finger and put it on her left hand ring finger. I had a pen I was clicking as I spoke to her parents and she got one, held it as I was holding mine and started clicking. When the conversation with her parents died down, I looked at her and said,"En dos semanas comiensas escuela, verdad?" (In English, "You will be starting school in two weeks, right?")
She cowers her head and whispers under her breathe, "Si". ("Yes")

Her dad tells her in Spanish,"You are going to school so that you don't have to pick up trash and clean up after people".

She looks up at me while she responds to her dad and says, "I will go to school so I can be beautiful like her."

Now I cower.

We chuckle over it, they leave and I come back to my office to write this.

I am touched. So dumb, I know, but I am. It is not about being called beautiful, but I remember being a little "squinkle", mexican kid whose family didn't have much and I would see, "los rico-chones" (or people I thought were rich) and I remember if I saw a girl I thought was rich with red shoes, I wanted red shoes. Ya, mine were probably the $4 special and looked NOTHING like that rich girl's, but to me, I felt fancy in those shoes.

I don't know...I guess I just had a moment of remembering how I saw things as a child and how I see them now. And although I may not always be right, I am grateful!

I'll be out on the lake this weekend, hopefully! Terry got the boat cleaned and ready to go...late in the season, I know, but none-the-less!

And then Sunday??? I can already hear the music....NFL!! Pre-season, yes, but football none-the-less!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

In my opinion....

Breast.

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you read that word? For some, it may be something sexual. For some, it may be something in the lines of nurturing and for some, it may be chicken that comes to mind!
The other day, I was listening to KRLD (yes, I am an oldie moldy and listen to news radio) and they were talking about this doll that was made to “teach breast feeding”. To describe it, it had a little vest that the little girl put on with two pink flower-looking things where her nipples would be. The little girl then gets the doll and the doll makes suckling noises when the little girl brings the baby’s mouth to the flower-nipples as she mimics breast feeding.
On the radio station’s site, they had poll asking if people felt that a doll that teaches little girls to breastfeed was inappropriate. 86% of the people who voted said YES, they felt it inappropriate. So I posted this on my Facebook to see what people thought.
After a day of some passionate opinions, I thought I would re-cap and share some thoughts. In fact, this morning, when I was driving to work, it is all I was thinking about. The opinions expressed on my Facebook wall ran through my head like a script.
There were some that expressed that it was gross. Some expressed that it was a good idea and we need to stop sexualizing breast and breastfeeding. Through that, it sparked a separate debate about the purpose of breasts. Is it to feed or for sex? Some say both, some say no.
Here is what I think…
The fact remains and will always remain that our opinions about issues are formed through our life’s experiences. And because our life’s experiences change all the time, so do/will/hopefully will our opinions.
When it comes to this issue, I am a HUGE proponent for breast feeding. I see nothing wrong when a woman is nursing in public, as long as she is being discreet and not flapping around everywhere. I do not believe that breast are only for feeding nor do I believe they are only for sexual use.
However, here is my opinion based on my life’s experiences. Unfortunately, sex has been a strong issue in my life. After living a life where unfaithfulness, sex addiction and addiction to porn were prevalent in my married life (not by me),I do carry somewhat of an edge when it comes to “breasts”. The fact is (in my life) that our society does, indeed, associate breasts with sex. When I was in Africa, there were woman who would be sitting around and just plop out and feed their children with no nursing blanket and not one person bocked. Here, in the US, however, because of what media, society and lack of GOOD parenting, breast=sex.
Having a doll that “teaches” this does not help or promote anything, I believe. I think that if a little girl sees her mother breast feeding her baby sister or brother, she is going to mimic it just as she would giving them a bottle or mixing formula. I do feel that it is important that a mother take every opportunity to talk to the child and explain the what, why, when’s, how’s and where’s.
Here is an example. A few years ago there was a story about a single mother that was still breast feeding her 9 year old boy. Yes, you read correct! NINE YEARS OLD!
I remember watching the video of her being interview and there was a cut away that showed her sitting on the grass at a park and her 9 year old big son, came up to her, lifted her shirt, moved her bra and latched on. She had made headlines because her son was taken away from her. Then returned. Then taken away again. Then returned. OK….this can go ALL kinds of ways…can she even produce milk? How long is too long? Etc, etc.
Here is the thing tho. When you look at the kid, he thinks it is completely normal. To him, it is a normal thing. Despite the fact that it is taboo to society, he thinks it is ok. So, I ask, does that mean it should be ok since it is ok in his home? Well, my response to be would be no. He HAS to function in a society one day. That doesn’t mean that he MUST conform to the ways of the world, but it is NOT ok that he be talking to his friends (if he has any) at school about suckling on his mom’s breast. That is not ok in my eyes.
Yes, I know this is an extreme example, but again, I think it comes down to the fact that we can say over and over again that “society this and society that”…but the fact of the matter is that we all have to acknowledge that despite our belief on this issue or another, we do still have to function in this society. I know, I know…those in the church will quote me, “but we are in this world but not of it”. Yes, I know. I am NOT saying that we are to conform to this world. Simply, my statement is that we do still need to function IN it. Not OF it. Not FOR it. Not AS it. IN it.
So, all in all…as we continue to live this life, our experiences are going to shape how we feel about things. We can say that we will “never change” what we think, live, and feel. But I would really challenge that. Because just as we can not determine all of the what’s and how’s of life, we equally can not determine what our reaction is going to be and how we will be changed.
In my life, there are so many things that have changed in me just living through these last 3 years. My personality is very much the type that has to have control of any and all things…but the moment everything moved and slipped out of my control was truly a learning life for me. There are ideas I had about what my career was going to look like, who I was going to be friends with, who I would date, how I would function, etc, etc….then life happened. In all that life, admittedly, I questioned things I never thought I would. I remember a moment in my life when I was questioning why I spent my life in ministry, why I gave so much, why, why, why and why Christ. I remember talking to myself just as I had spoken to so many before that were slipping away from their walk. It was brought to my remembrance about how after I spoke to them, I felt so BAD for them. It was incomprehensible how they could ever even QUESTION God. I didn’t understand. And, shamefully, I have to admit, that I did judge them….my feeling bad was oozing with judgment.
Then when I found MYSELF in that place…all of the sudden, I understood. I understood the battle of the mind and heart. The battle to not fall in self pity. The battle to even TRY to believe there was hope.
I only share all of this to say…in all things, we will never fully know the stem of a person’s opinions until we are them. Some would say, “oh ya! I went through this and that and it was similar”. Yes, maybe. But we all live our own lives, with our racing mind, with our heart, with our experiences….so that would make it not the same.
It is because of all of this that I can say, one of the BEST changes that have happened in my life these past three years has to be that I am able to listen, see, and sometime feel…but refrain from making a judgment. I may never know where people have truly been….and their opinion is theirs.
Anyway….again…thanks to all who joined in with commentary. I know this blog took a little bit of a different spin, but just some thoughts…
Hope everyone is well!