A note from Momma to Crea

 

 

I believe in the sun, even when it does not shine.

I believe in Love, even when I feel it not.

And I believe in God, even when He is silent.

 

If you have known me for any length of time, you have heard me share this. Today, I want to share with you where it is from. These words were etched on a wall of a container that was used during the holocaust.  It is believed that families were forced to strip all their clothes and were then put in these containers, much like railroad cars and they were left there to parish. When I first read these words and realized the situation this person or persons were in and they etched these words on the dark walls of what would become their tomb, the impact on me was profound. These families lost everything. Many of them were forced to watch their loved ones parish, including their husbands, wives and, yes, even their children. All earthly possessions, up to the clothes on their backs had been stripped from them. From a place that could not be more dark, more hopeless, more lonely and more silent, they wrote these words.

Today, I stand before you as a mother. I can’t express to you the pride I feel to say that. Last Friday, at 11:49am I got to look into the eyes of our most precious daughter as she blinked her eyes at me. From the table I was laying on, I reached over and touched her tiny hands as tears fell from my eyes. All I have drempt of for 14 years became a miraculous reality at 11:49 September 6.

On September 7, we held our daughter as she took her last breathes.

We have had and will continue to have many moments of sorrow and tears. But equally, we have had and will continue to have moments of great gratitude.

This journey has not been easy. But we never despised our journey.

In these few moments, if you will allow this proud mother to share, I would like to share with you some parts of the journey that you may not have known. I pray that in these next few moments, you will be inspired to believe for the extraordinary in  your own life. That you may be challenged to believe despite all obstacles for the miraculous. And most of all, that you may see and know that the God we serve IS a good God and that He is FAITHFUL, faithful, faithful!

Febuary 7, we discovered we were pregnant! What you need to know about this is that Terry had been told that he would never have children. I had been told of how difficult it would be and I already had 8 babies in heaven whom I will meet one day.

March 3, Terry and I were out in the pasture and while standing there, blood started dripping down my leg. Terry took me inside where the bleeding continued. He asked me, “do you think? Do you think?” I said, “No, I don’t think so but I don’t know.” I had a small group of friends I had shared our news with and called on them to pray. Terry and I spent the entire night praying, crying and yes, even grieving.

The next day, we went to have a sono to see if our baby was ok. And there she was, heart beating strong. We knew then that our baby was a warrior. We, here on the outside in utter panic, and she, steadfast…without worry and strong.

April 29, we had another scare with more bleeding. Another sono would reveal Crea still without worry, strong.

May 28 we received the news that she had omphelecelle and spina bifida. We were left speechless. But because she was still fighting, we were going to fight with her. At that moment, as a family, we knew we were going to believe.  That afternoon, on our way home, there was a small homemade sign on the side of the road that read, “Believe”. There was no doubt in our minds that we were in this for the long haul. We shared with everyone the diagnosis and we all prayed, believing for a miracle.

June 25, we returned to the doctor and they mentioned NOTHING of the Spina Bifida. Our prayers had been answered and Crea was still fighting, still strong.

July 8 at 4am my water bag ruptured. This would begin 9 weeks of bedrest.

Crea was physically on this earth, outside my womb for 25 hours. It was only 25 hours that we got to see her face, touch her hands and kiss her face. But in the last week, I have reflected on what made her impact on all of us so profound. This is what I believe. Crea never knew worry. She never knew fear. She never thought of the what if’s. She never experienced doubt.

It is through her life in my womb, without worry. Strong. That we have learned true faith. We have learned to believe despite. No matter what the situation was around her, her spirit was steadfast. Through her beating heart, we continued to believe in the impossible. Terry and I continued to dream of what Thanksgiving and Christmas would be for our little family this year.

Crea was a dream come true! Every step of the journey, she defied odds and helped us believe in this miracle! Crea lived as she had been named! It is thru her incredible strength and purest trust and reliance in God that I can stand here today, even in the deepest of grief that I can tell you with uncensored boldness that there is a God who loves us and desires to give us our desires. The wait may seem too long. The journey may seem impossible. The disappointment may be to great or the fear too overwhelming. And in the end, it may not look like we thought it would look, but if we can BELIEVE He is good and He is faithful, we will see his promise unfold before us!!!

He did what He said he would do! Terry and I are parents. We held our baby girl and a small part of each of us in her. What an absolute honor to be her parents.  To a little girl that has impacted so many. Crea, my sweet, sweet girl, doctors told us of all your physical imperfections but your spirit and your life and what you have taught us were all so perfect!!

How can I stand here and be mad? Will I have moments that missing her seems too much to bear? Absolutely.  I think about the mother's days and father's days to come. The holidays that Terry and I had already planned out and it hurts me to think of walking thru those days. But inside, I know that her incredible legacy will strengthen us because we will not allow the promise that was fulfilled Sept 6 to be dishonored.

Terry is an amazing father. My love, my love, what words can I ever find to express the good, kind and noble man that you are?  You are God's restoring hand in my life.
And iIam a mother. I thank Him. I am so grateful. So honored.

In the many moments that are to come, no matter the emotion I must walk thru, gratitude will be constant in my life. I am truly, truly grateful for this journey.

If you do not believe our God is real. Is good.  And is faithful because you feel He has disappointed you or didn't answer the way you wanted, let me challenge you today. His goodness and faithfulness are not bound by what is fair. "Fair" would mean my daughter would still be here on earth. It would only be fair to expect that this would have turned out differently...the way I saw it should be.

But after all my selfish motives have melted away, and I allow anger to also make its way out of my life, the situation is this...
We get to be parents to an amazing little girl who is forever pure and innocent and is probably up in heaven riding Zoe, playing with Flinty and her 8 siblings.

We can look back at this journey and know our faith is being built beyond what we could imagine.
And most of all, we are so grateful. Terry and I spoke about if we knew how it would go, we would still do it again. She has been worth every moment!

There was a sign hung in the room where we got to spend our moments with her. It read, “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away”

Crea, you took your last breathes in that room while taking our breathe away. Mi niña, my love, my heart manifested on this earth, we love you. We will miss not having you in our earthly moments. We look forward to seeing you again soon, my sweet sweet girl!  En todo el mundo, no aye otra como tu! Siempre estare agradecida que fuiste mi hija. Te amo. Te amo.

Thank you for showing us to believe despite.