Stood in the pasture and wept

Today I was out feeding and I stood in the pasture and wept. As I looked up at the sky I whispered, "I love you and I miss you so much!"

The rain has cleared the humidity  and everything feels so fresh. All day I was working on insurance and medical bill stuff, avoiding any of them with the name "Crea Rumbo" on them. They bring back the reality of 6 weeks ago when I got to hold our daughter in my arms and watch as she took her last breath.

Moving forward is what I attempt to do every moment. Some moments are easier than others. Standing in the pasture weeping was difficult. It's opening up and allowing myself get into grief. I know it must happen but the reality of how much it hurts is difficult. I have shared with my mom how sometimes I am afraid to allow myself to truly grief because I am afraid I will get into a spiral and not be able to get out of it. Alas, however, it is something that must be done.

While I wept, the animals came up to me and sniffed me. It's interesting how much animals can feel. They even left their food to come and make contact with me. ...God's little mercies, I think.

I know that the moments will get easier and moving forward won't feel like such a betrayal to all that was. These are the real emotions that come with losing someone so dear.

Now, as I scribe these few words, the door of her bedroom continues to make its presence known. One day soon, I will go I and sort thru all of our baby stuff. I'll put them all away in the hopes that I will one day soon begin to dream again.

All this is my reality right now. Not all moments are as difficult. I suspect when I get back to work and get into a routine, the moments will be easier.

Grief, you have my attention now. Be easy on this broken heart.

Til this lion roars again, we take each moment in stride, one foot I front of the other.