I can't believe we are almost to summer and this is my first post! It isn't for lack of writing, I assure you. I write a lot...maybe just not for everyone's eyes lately.
So much to update everyone on! Maybe I will go through a month by month replay later but I really felt compelled to sit and write these few thoughts down.
Crea. that is her name. Maybe as you read it, it is the first time you have "said" her name in a long time.
I have to share something I am learning through this process about grief and having to say good bye to a child here on Earth....we appreciate those that talk about her.
Listen, I don't intend to be that mother that is still "going through the process" in 15 years. But I have to tell you, being fresh into it, 7 months to be exact, I SO appreciate it when folks say her name or bring up the fact that that, yes, we all went through "that".
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that still remembers her name. Like I am the only one who still remembers my sweet, little, ninja and the time we had. Maybe that is it...it was only real to me.....
No....no, she wasn't only real to me. Because altho most of my family would rather not talk about it, there are still those that ask me how I am and will bring up memories of the year we just endured and yes, some will actually still say her name.
There are friends....OH! My dearest of friends! They will send me messages and tell me they were thinking of Crea lately and they love her and they love me and they appreciate we shared the journey both good and bad.
There are some that think "it's time to move on". Honestly, I don't know when that time will be. But I will tell you that every single day I am moving forward. Maybe not "on" as some would like me to just stop "bringing her up" but every day, courageously, I move forward. That is all I can ask of me right now. And any little or lotta bit is good enough for me!
If I run a race and I glow as I speak of Crea and her well lived life, then so be it. If I get in the truck and want to fall apart, that is ok too. If on my way home, I feel the silence and routine of this life without her is deafening and feels unbearable, that is ok. If I sit at a computer and tap out thoughts inspired by friends that said her name in an email....then that is ok also.
I am blessed that I am not the only one that still knows her name. Crea. Sweet daughter of mine. Born Sept 6. Took her last breathe in my arms on Sept 7. Crea. Every single day we move forward.
Crea. Thank you for teaching me to Believe Despite.
