When is enough, enough? Believing in the dream.

When I was in the hospital, there was a nurse that came in to put a pic line in. Which is basically like a nasty, long sharp IV in your arm that is supposed to last longer than a regular IV....let's not speak further on that for it makes me shiver! LOL

But she came in and we began the regular hospital talk such as "How long have you been here? What are you having? Is this your first baby?", etc. She shared with me that she and her husband had tried two times ending in miscarriage and they decided they couldn't do it anymore and chose to not have children. When I shared with her that this was my 9th pregnancy, she was shocked to know that I didn't have any children. She asked, "how did  you do it?" To which I answered, "I just can't believe I would have such a strong desire and have to leave this earth without it ever being fulfilled." You see, there was a time when I spoke to God after losing so many babies where I said, "If this is never going to happen for me, then take this desire away."  The desire never left.

I have shared with many that truly, it has been an absolute miracle from heaven that I haven't gone completely crazy. I mean, how much heartbreak can one person endure? How many times can I step up, believe and be broken hearted when the outcome is not as I wished?

My pregnancy was a very difficult one from the very beginning. With no sleep because of MAJOR indigestion from week 4 to MAJOR nausea and vomiting for almost 10 weeks to dehydration, sore back, etc, etc...I honestly thought this would be our only child. I don't share that in a complaining way, but it was very difficult and wasn't sure I was ready to sign up again. My desire to have children and not just one child was there, but when I really thought about it, I had to be realistic as to what I could endure and quite frankly, what my family could endure, since we were all in it together.

Some would probably think me crazy to keep trying. The nurse expressed she couldn't understand where I could get the strength. In my mind I thought, "I believe in this dream more than I believe anything else."

Believe in the dream.

I read somewhere that Walt Disney filed for bankruptcy eight times. Eight times did he step out and put it all on the line. Eight times did he feel he had failed. Eight times did he walk away empty handed and broken hearted. And now...I don't think there is anyone in the world who doesn't know Disney.

When would have it been enough for him to hang it up and walk away?
When is enough enough for me to hang it up and accept that it just isn't for me.

You see, this is what I believe. I believe every great dream has a price. It may not be a monetary one but there is a price. In this dream to be a mother, my price has been learning faith. Pushing myself beyond the thoughts of what I think is real. Believing despite what looks impossible. 

Although the hits of disappointment have sometimes knocked me straight off my feet, as soon as I am able to stand up again, I am ready to fight again. Since I was a little girl, I have been this way. When I was 15, an opportunity opened up for me to go to Africa; a dream I had since I was 8. Everything around me was saying I wouldn't be able to go. In fact, the night before my trip, I still needed over $1000 to go. As I was packing (as if all were good to go), my sweet mom sat in her room crying, asking the Lord to help me deal with the disappointment. My parents had helped me all they could as well as everyone around me. But in my heart, I thought, "God didn't bring me this far to let me fail." So I packed my bags and readied myself for my journey. That night, a woman who had already given me a lot of money called me and said, "I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about you, is everything alright?" I shared with her that I didn't have all the money. She met me the next morning, money in hand so that I could be on my way.

I was 15 years old. Moments like those have shaped my faith in believing in the absolute impossible.  As you may imagine, 14 years and having 9 babies in heaven has also had an impact on me. My getting up and dusting off for the fight has gotten a little slower and maybe not as strong. The difference between the faith of a 15 year old to that of an almost 40 year old woman is different in that more "life" has taken place...reality seems a little clearer as you get older. And sometimes that clear view of "reality" is harder to get through to actually believe in your dream.

But this is what I am meditating on and learning these days.
I must learn to believe my dream more than I believe anything else. More than I believe the last 14 years. More than I believe what science and medicine says about me being older. More than I believe what has just happened this year.

I don't know why Crea had to leave us so early. I may never know. But I do know that this desire is still there. I don't know how it will be achieved. These days I find myself wishing I could fast forward a year so I can see how everything will unfold for us. But since that is not going to happen, I must look at what I can do. And that is, Believe. Build my faith. Get through the grief. Stand up. Dust off. Fight again.

Enough is not enough when it comes to big dreams. I am learning to believing more in this dream than anything else. 

If you're reading this and you have also be hurt or disappointed in a great desire or dream, know this, you are not alone. There any many other broken soldiers like you and I. Pink says it best in her song, "we are bent but we are not broken" and there is another song that says, "keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart."

I hope you will be encouraged this moment...let's keep on dreaming! Enough is not enough.