I complained because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

October 15 has come and gone. I take a deep breathe and exhale as I feel the clouds have passed and the sun begins to shine on my moments.

I went back to work yesterday for a little while and today was my first full day back. What a blessing having a good job with a great work family makes. I am truly grateful. I have enjoyed getting up and having somewhere to go and something to do. Part of my struggle has been that I felt that Crea left this earth and, as it should be, everyone continued in their every day. Everyone except me. Because I had a C-section, I wasn't allowed to return to work and the fact I had been in bed for 2 1/2 months also left me quite weary. I know it will take time to get back to "old" me, but it has been a struggle. I have felt so useless as I have been home while everyone continued to every day life. It feels good to be at work and feel useful again. It has also been good to feel a bit of confidence that I can be out in the "real world" and not feel I am "marked" as a grieving mother. Yes, moments have come when I  felt I was about to lose it and fall apart, but the busy-ness of work and having accountability to others  made it easier to rein the emotion back. Work is good for my soul.

On the drive home I was reflecting about Oct 15. On Facebook, I am part of many groups of women who have lost pregnancies and babies. Many of them were posting pictures of their candles and the different things they were doing to honor their angel babies. It was overwhelming to see how many are still with their arms empty or they also experienced not having babies here on Earth. As I read through some of the posts, my hearts broke for them and with them.

The night Crea was born and they told us of all the complications, I was laying in bed in between tears and the thought kept coming to my mind, "we are not the only ones." Partly, it was to remind myself that this was not just happening to me, but also because I realized that this journey is not a one family journey. There are so many others who have and will experience the trials of losing someone so dearly.

There was a nurse who took care of Crea and I that shared she had lost her husband, her soulmate about 3 years ago. When she shared this with me, I thought about Terry and I couldn't even imagine not having him in my life. As she shared her story, my heart broke for her loss as I tried to understand how she gets up every day and continues on.

In all of this, I realize that we are ALL living with a hurt, disappointment, loss and struggle. Very few of us are exempt from the trials of this life. It is amazing that we are not all falling apart! (She smiles) But, seriously, part of living this great life is knowing that if we haven't hit devastation yet, we may in the future. I'm not saying I hope it happens to anyone, but it makes me realize that we are all in this together....trying to find the great in this great life.

As I walk through my days, it makes me cautious of what I say. For instance, it used to really bother me (still does a bit) when women complain continuously about their pregnancy. All I could think was, "I WISH I had morning sickness, aching back and not sleeping because I had a baby growing inside me!" Now, having experienced the Nth degree of struggle in a pregnancy, I do understand where the complaining can come from. But every time I felt the struggle, I would think of the many sisters in this journey that were still waiting for their BFP. (That's a term we all know in the infertility world as Big Fat Positive) I thought of all those women who would share on our groups that they were on the 2WW (2 Week Wait) for a positive test that would reveal their dream was about to come true.

It doesn't mean that I won't ever complain about people, thing and situations, but it just makes me mindful how my struggle may be someone's dream point. Does that make sense?  I may run into times when Terry and I aren't getting along, but what if I am talking to someone like my nurse that would just LOVE to have her husband back and I'm sitting there complaining. (and probably about trivial things)

It reminds me of an old saying I heard once. "I complained because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet".

There are so many people dealing with life...some good, some not so good. None of us know what or to the extent of another's struggle. I am challenged more than ever to JUST BE KIND.

We are human. We are going to complain, get discouraged, feel disappointed...but we have a choice as to how we are going to behave.

I hope this encourages you as well to be cautious of words...we never know who might be listening.

I hope this message finds you blessed. I, for one, feel content and quite frankly, proud! My first day back at living was a good day.

Blessings all!