Tired of crying

Grief is an interesting thing. It comes out of no where.  At any moment, I am mozing along my day feeling pretty good and all of the sudden, I feel it; a large knot in my chest that makes its way up to my throat. Then all of the sudden, out of no where, a thought comes to mind and I am fighting back tears.

Here's the thing...

I am mad/sad.  We are being honest about this process, right?  So there it is. I am mad/sad. I read something the other day that said something to the effect of how God can handle my mad.  At the time when I read it I thought, "I'm not mad." But today, I am mad/sad.  I am mad that I a sad.  I am not normally a sad person.  In fact, my periods of sad are often tempered with the moving on of life. However, today I find that because of my physical limitations and the fact that I don't get to go back to work yet, my "moving on" is incredibly limited.

Today, I ran into town to get Terry's new glasses and I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes.  I looked all around watching the parking lot to make sure I wouldn't see anyone that knew me. What in the world?!?

For the most part, our moments have been good lately. I guess the moments today are just part of it. We have an appointment coming up where I will get to see if they release me for work. We are also hoping to get results from bloodwork they took on Crea. We are hoping it will give us some answers as to what, why, etc.  I have set in my mind there is a chance we may never know the why. 

Today, my mind has been scattered (if you can't tell by this post). When I started crying, I got mad and said, "I'm so damn tired of crying! You are going to be ok woman!"  (Yes, I call myself woman.)
I know that this too will pass. I think once I get to work, it will make it a little easier.

For now, pardon my not so cheery post. But we've got to take the good with the not so good....and this is part of the latter.

Mad/sad comes in waves. For now, I just buckle down til it passes and as those around me have said to me, I "must be patient with myself".

PS
Amazingly, thru my mad/sad day, this song has been in my head all day.  I shared it on FB today and if you have a chance, what the video. The song is SO powerful!  She wrote it for a friend of hers that was pregnant when she found out she had breast cancer. She went thru chemo while pregnant and delivered a healthy baby, but she is still fighting.

Also, they have footage of one of my heroes, Robin Roberts thru her fight. There is one part that Robin Roberts is in her hospital room crying...I welled up with tears because I remember sitting in my hospital room at times crying. There were such hard days. It also got me to reflecting on the day we were getting ready to leave the hospital without our baby girl.

I'd like to share the status I posted that morning....

At this moment, I am laying in the bed that served as my nest for the last 9 weeks. My faithful husband is downstairs unloading the first round of items into the truck so we can head home. The room is quiet now. No monitors letting me hear my sweet daughter's heart. No blood pressure cuff going off or knocks on the door from nurses or staff.
Just me.
I feel a physical pain in my chest that validates, "this. is. real."
The funeral home will be picking her body up in an hour.
We will be making our way to our real nest...home. There i will relearn to live again. To see my beloved Kota bear, my herd. After 2 months, I will slowly get back into a life.
I pause. Look out at the familiar scene of the brick building next to us.
I look at my still swollen belly and I can no longer feel her Ninja kicks.
At this moment, I lift my arms high with every sorrow inside me and in my spirit I cry, "I MISS HER!"
And in that same breathe, my arms fall to this bed and my heavy head lays on my chest and I whisper, "but I am so grateful that you made good on your promise to allow me to see her and be mom"

This sorrow will come in waves.
Our grief is real.
But our sincere gratitude is equally as real.

These 9 weeks have been difficult. I love what one of the nurses said to me this morning. She commented that maybe I was put on bedrest so I could be still and have time to get to know Crea so I could share her with the world.
...maybe.

For now, the tears will start and stop today.