WAIT! DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!!!

Picture this!

I am sleeping comfy as can be in my bed at home. It was a relatively exhausting day the day before so when my alarm goes off, I discard it, roll over and tell myself, "just 15 more minutes."
I wake up in a daze every few minutes thinking to myself, "Self! Get your lazy butt up and get ready or they are going to leave without you!" But my body still refuses.

I start having a dream about waking up, taking a shower, getting ready....it feels so real! I really think that I am ready to go to church with my family. In my dream, we are in the car, closing the garage door. The screeching of the garage door rolling on its rusty chain wails at me and in that moment....

I AWAKE!

It was all a dream! I am still in bed. All was a dream accept for the very end...the garage door really is closing. I leap out of bed, look out the window and see the car backing out of the driveway...my family is leaving without me!! I want to run downstairs with my curly hair all jacked up, lookin' like the cowardly lion, my mis-matched pajama's and eyes partially sealed together with eye gunk, dash out into the street, in front of the truck and say, "Wait! Don't leave without me!"
(SIDENOTE:: Were there enough comma's and descriptives in that sentence for ya?! )

This episode happened to me several times as a kid and it happened recently with my brother and sis-in-law. Maybe I should consider getting to bed early, huh? But I can't...I'm up scribing these blogs that provide the universe with so much entertainment! How could I let my many fans down?

I digress.

There is a point to my blog tonight, I assure you! I don't know what it is, but recently I have been feeling very nostalgic, somewhat melancholy, and definitely, despite my better judgment, vulnerable. I could sit here and speculate til the cows come home (whatever that means!) about why I am feeling all this emotion, but instead of wasting my precious time on that, I spent some time reflecting on the memories that my mind has stitched into a nice quilt that covers my heart and makes it so cozy, or as my niece would say, "kossee."

I started thinking about my family, whom, without fail, year after year, through the crazy, not so crazy, the good, the bad and the ugly, have stuck it out with me. My never-wavering Pappy who is a pillar in my life, my Nanny who continues to spend every day on her knees so her kids always get the best of what life has, my big brother who always says it just as it is, my little brother who amazes me because he, like my Pappy, never wavers and is the most non-judgmental person I know, my sister-in-law who has become the sister I never had and my best friend, the man I called Dad for so many years whose words of incredible wisdom I hold close to my heart, my Grandmother's who weren't blood related, but taught me so much with the time the invested in my life as a girl, and certainly, my family next door whose presence in my life is as familiar to me as that of those that lived under the same roof as I.

Although my circle of friends has consistently been very small at any season of my life, I am grateful for those who have called me friend. My friends have run the gamut of personalities and life walks, but all, I can say without reservation have added so much flair to my life. Even more than that, they have been willing to accept the good, the bad and the ugly with me.

There are times in my life that I sometimes felt like I wanted to run to the street and yell out, "Wait! Don't leave without me!" Times in my life when I didn't have great news to share. Times that I couldn't even lift my own head to look at my reflection, much less, look at them in the eyes. Times that I was so full of my own selfish ambition and pride, my life allowed for nothing more. Times that my dreams were so much bigger than what reality had space for in that season. Times that my stubbornness wouldn't let me see their point of view. Times that my insensitivity was hurtful.

Through 32 years of "those times", they are still with me!

SO....

All of this to say this:

Although I still may oversleep sometimes when it comes to my role as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend, etc, don't leave without me!

Let's journey this great life together, shall we?

Why ask why?

<--- (I made my own Emoticons...
this is "SAD LIZZIE")

Greetings all!

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I actually had an INCREDIBLE day yesterday partially spent in Texas and the other part in Oklahoma but I will expand more on that in another blog as the details unfold. (thank you for a wonderful day, TMQ!)

Today I got some news and I am not totally sure how it sits with me. I won't expand too much on the specifics of it so as to protect those in which it involves, but it really got me to thinking...

Why do we ask why?

I know, for me, many have said that to me quite often. To which, I have now adopted the philosophy of, "it is what it is".

HOWEVER, it may be what it is and it may be completely futile to ask why, but it doesn't change what zips through our minds and festers in our hearts.

Let me expand...

There are things in my life that have happened that I feel are "unfair". Well, you might say, "life isn't fair princess", and to that I agree. HOWEVER, because I really believe that those things are not fair, it causes a shift in my thinking/my feeling.

With the news I heard today, it caused me to pull up the file I have on that subject. As I walked through the bitter hallways of my heart to the abandoned room this file sits in, I grew cold. I finally reached that door, and threw the door right open. There, in that dark, gloomy room sat one table with a few scattered files . This is the room in my heart in which I put all the sad, disappointing and angry files. They are buried deep in my heart's hallways so that I don't have to look at them often, therefore, not feel them. And because they are so buried, I don't have to stumble upon them ever. I walk up to the table and on the tab of this file is the topic name. I cringe. I take today's news and slip it into this file with the others. As I do, I feel a bitter chill that makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. My heart feels like it is swollen and will no longer beat. As I try to take a deep breathe, my throat gets tight and my lungs refuse to take in the breathe I so desperately need.
My eyes don't even water anymore.
It is in this moment, that I realize that I have become bitter.

I, Lizzie Carrasco, am bitter.

There! I said it!

In this life's journey, there are areas that have hit me so continuously that it is almost impossible for me to believe that any good can flourish. There are areas in which I feel that I have become somewhat elitist and only rejoice with very few. In that room, lay topics that are very clear to me. When those topics arise in my life, I want to ask why. And then almost immediately, my mind triggers back, "Why ask why? It is what it is!"

DANG IT!

I don't want it to be tho! I demand an explanation!

BUT....to no avail, my friends, to no avail.

I guess there are some areas that we may never know the answers. Again, we get to choose how we will respond to them. For me, right now....if those topics arise, I am bitter...I know that isn't good, but it is what I feel.

SO...
As with anything else in this great life,
you take the good with the bad,
and love me for who I am!

So with my un-answered questions in tow, I march on in search of this life's greatest joy!!!

I don't mean to be a B*@TCH or anything....

HA!

I HAVE to tell you this story!

The other day, my friend and I were at a small diner in Dallas. We were there having our normal, everyday banter and laughter when all of the sudden, an old woman sitting in the bench beside us struggles to get out of her seat and walk toward us....

HOLD THAT THOUGHT!!!

Before this story can continue, I have to give you some background....and paint the picture perfectly for you!

If you know me, you know that I have a pretty loud voice....er...uh...OK! I have a VERY loud voice! And I have an equally loud laugh! The reason being is that I can't hear. So I don't know that I am speaking loud.

Well, it is strange because I think like attracts like. I seem to attract friends that are also loud. My friend, Michelle, in CA has a loud laugh as well. In fact, I often remember how her husband would come downstairs to the kitchen where Michelle and I were cracking up with a disgruntled look on his face and say, "Gosh! Do you girls have to be so loud?" as he made little circle motions with his finger to his ear. HA! (Joseph, if you're reading this, I blame her!)

Well, now, my friend Becky, here in Dallas, ALSO has a big, ol, loud laugh. But not only that, she up'd the ante with her palm pounding any hard surface next to her as if she were swatting a fly!
Well, when her and I get rollin', its over! So we are sitting there enjoying our sweet tea and equally sweet conversation, telling stories and having moments of great laughter when all of the sudden....

BACK TO OUR STORY!

This old woman hobbles over to our booth. She is is a heavier set woman with short hair that looked as if she just had it did. She has her big, black purse clutched tightly between her left arm and her chest as she leans over our table and says, "I don't mean to be a B*@tch or anything, but you two should be more considerate of people who wear hearing aides." She points at me with her crooked old finger and continues, "Your laugh is so loud, my ears hurt with my hearing aide ringing and you (pointing at Becky) pounding on that table....I couldn't even enjoy my food. I'm going to move and sit over there, you all have made it so uncomfortable."

OMG! As she turned around to leave, we saw other patrons at the diner looking at us. It's a small diner so we know they all heard. How embarrassing! I look behind me and a lady is sitting with her husband smiles at me and as she shakes her finger at me says, "ya! Don't you realize how loud you are?" She rolls her eyes and laughs.

Becky and I look at each other and then....
well....
do I NEED to tell you?

YEP! We both busted out LAUGHING!!!!

So, kids, the lesson for today is:

Be sensitive to those with hearing aides!!

The softer, kinder side of me...

Do you ever feel that there is a lesson you NEED to learn, but it doesn't quite get through your thick skull or selfish pride?

Do you notice that all of the sudden, that lesson becomes a re-occurring theme in your life?

Well, if you don't know what I am talking about...let me drop some knowledge!

I have been feeling for a while now that I need to get back to the softer, kinder side of me. After my divorce, it's almost as if I lost that vulnerability. Like if somewhere between the pain and breathing again I forgot what it is to be a girl...a woman.

When I moved to Dallas, I felt that I needed to show everyone that I was OK...I was good to go!
So I put on a facade of this "strong" person. Which was ok for a while, but now that time has passed, I realize that something is missing.

There used to be a side of me that was carefree. A side that hurt when others hurt. A side that was proud of being vulnerable...even if it meant being hurt sometimes.

I got to thinking about this a while back and it has continued to be a lingering thought in my mind and a gentle voice in my heart. Since that time, it's as if those close to me have become "billboards of change". LOL! Big sit down conversations to little comments in passing to me reading articles, listening to people and even situations happening in my life are all campaigning in hopes I "get it".

A story! (if you will permit me)

When I was about 11 years old, I went to a camp out with a group of youth from church. There was a couple that had been together for a long time For the purpose of this story, I will call them Steve and Julie. They were about 8 or 9 years older than me and were the “older” crowd, however, I had a crush on Steve and I was jealous of Julie. I never let anyone know. Growing up, I was pretty tom-boyish so I loved camping and went out of my way to show everyone that I could hold my own. We drove up there in a small bus and when we got there, set up camp. Some of the girls and I were sitting on the bus chatting. Julie was sitting in the bench in front of me. Our conversation was silenced when we heard a shout in the air. “BEAR!!!”

The girls started screaming and I jumped out of my seat, down the aisle and outside to see what and where. I saw Steve in the distance and we made eye contact and he yells at me, “where is Julie? Where is Julie?” I tell him she is on the bus. He charges through EVERYTHING that is in front of him and bolts to the bus entrance. I follow right after him. He gets in the bus and Julie looks up at him and starts to cry. He takes her in his arms and starts telling her that she is safe. Nothing will happen to her. He is there. She does not need to be afraid.

I was so jealous of her.

I remember standing there at the entrance of the bus thinking, “why did I jump out? Why didn’t I stay there in my seat and act scared and start crying?” LOL!! I laugh, but I am totally serious!

I thought about this moment in my life the other day and I asked myself, "Did you see Julie as weak?"

No, I didn't.

Although I have allowed time to pass, maybe parts of my heart and mind to harden and have allowed sensitivity to diminish, I am seeing everyday it isn't who I was, who I am, and most definitely not who I want to be.

SO...
As I walk through every day, I am learning to get back to the Lizzie that has a genuine laugh, a sincere concern for her fellow man, an earnest desire to relinquish control and a heart that is ready for some things to change. I very much look forward to looking in the mirror one day and seeing a softer, kinder side of me gently smiling back!

A dear friend of mine heard that I was looking for jammies with feet on them (like when I was a kid).
She found them and bought me a pair....so cozy!

Life's Proverbial Questions!

As I have walked through this life and journey among the world, I have noticed that we live in a world where enough is never quite....well....ENOUGH!

Hear me out here.

You are single and you always get the proverbial questions of, "Anyone in your life? Why are you single?" It is a constant bombardment of questions as to WHY you are single...as if being single is not enough.

Then, you finally find someone to spend some time with and then the proverbial questions of, "Is it serious? What's the deal?" Yada, yada, yada

Then you confirm it is and the next becomes the next to the next and the next....
When are you getting engaged?
You have a date picked yet?
When are you going to get a house?
What's the plan for kids?
Congrats on that kid....when's the next one?

OYE! It never ends!

So it drives me to ask, "When is enough enough or will it ever be quite enough?"

I believe we live in a world that is constantly driving us towards wanting more.

A while back, I dated a man that one day looked at me and told me, "I am content." I was like, "What the heck is THAT supposed to mean! How rude! Content?? WTFlip! You aren't ecstatic with our time together? You aren't over the moon about our conversations? Content?!?!" To say the least, I was offended.

Obviously, that little space in time began and ended. But I look back on that moment when he said that to me and I understand it now. I understand it now because today, it is my heart's cry. I just want to be content. Webster defines content as, "to appease the desires of".
Him saying that he was content could very well have been the biggest compliment he could have ever given me. But me, in my typical rest-of-the-world way, wanted to be more; it was not enough.

So as I go through this great life, still desiring so many things, everyday, I am learning to be content with the place I am in. No, it doesn't mean that I am apathetic and desire nothing more, but as far as trying to live up to all the proverbial questions and the more I have been so accustomed to chasing, I am learning that enough is really quite enough and I am content.

Where is truth safe?

Tonight I went out for a little cruise on the "ol girl" (Picture to left) and I got to thinking....

Is honesty REALLY the best policy? What if that honesty isn't received well by others? Is it still best? All in all, where is truth safe?

This is the context in which these questions arrived in my head.
If I had something I had to tell someone that maybe wasn't the "best" news on the earth, but it was the straight up T-R-U-T-H....would I tell them?

Immediately, I started thinking of people that I know without a doubt I would tell....and those I would not.

My thoughts then led me down a path of more questions. "Why wouldn't I tell certain people?"

My answer? I would only tell the truth to those people in which I felt "safe" with.

Scenario #1
If I knew that me telling someone the truth was going to cause them to look at me differently, question things about themselves or hurt them in any way, then regardless of how I communicated these truths, they would not be accepted well. In fact, they may cause problems.

Scenario #2
If I knew that no matter what I said, their response would be, "I may not understand the why's and what's of it, but I don't see you any different and I still love you", then I would feel free to share truth.

Despite these two scenarios, I think truth is only safe when we, ourselves, are safe with it. Regardless of how the scenario plays out before us, if we are convinced knowing that we know, that we know, that we know that our truths are in their purest form, how can truth not be safe?

Where is truth safe?

Answer: Truth is safe in a place where we are willing to accept it...no matter what!

A mis-carried life?

Monday! What a strange day today! I got up early and went about my business but the energy of the day has been strange. (or maybe it was that late bowl of cereal I had?)

I don't know...either way....the day moves on...

This is actually a blog I wrote a while back. I have edited it a bit but wanted to include it in my new "blog spot".

A Miscarried Life?!?

I was on my run again and I was listening to my lil ol IPOD and a song came on that I've heard several times before. But this time, there were two words that rang out to me….

"miscarried life"

Wow! What's THAT all about?!? I started thinking about what miscarried is, by definition… meaning something that didn't go to it's full goal. I got home and looked it up and the definition (according to Webster) is::

1. To have a miscarriage; abort.

2. To go astray or be lost in transit

3. To fail to attain an intended goal, as a plan or project.

How crazy is that? To live a miscarried life….

A life that never reaches its full goal….a life that you get lost in, go astray from. How does that happen?

I've had the privilege of working with a lot of pre-teens/teens. I see/hear of some of them now and they are all older (yikes! I'm getting old!) When we catch up, I ask what they are up to and they share. Very few of them are still pursuing the things they once shared with me as their "life's dream".

Heck! I look at my own life and I am not where I thought I would be. I'm not doing what I thought I would.

But in all of this…I ask myself, "are you living a miscarried life, Lizzie? Have you aborted your goals and purpose? Have you gone astray; gotten lost?"

…all very good questions.

My heart's desire…to take my life to FULL TERM!

There is a part of me that wants to march around with my little picket sign shouting, "I am living my life full term!" But then there is the other part of me that looks in the mirror every-so-often and can't help but be a bit disappointed in my reflection. Although my heart would scream that it hasn't forgotten, it still believes, the small, still whisper in my mind wins out more than not.

I want to live my life to the fullest. Not just full of my own stupid, selfish desires, but to live a life of service to humanity. This, I believe is my life's purpose.

Sometimes, I feel we surrender to the small, still voice because it is easier. Every day I am finding that it takes GUTS to do what we believe. It takes courage be willing to live everyday out and be true to ourselves. But I believe that it is in that truth to oneself that we learn to live in truth to others.

And in that, we live our life out full term and not have a miscarried life!

Welcome to Lizzie-isms!

Greetings all!

So I was introduced to this spot by my sister. She has a blogspot and where I always thought this might be something I would enjoy doing, I never made the time to engage...

...til now!

So this is just going to be a place where I share some of my ever-so-random thoughts. (Because there are many!)

For the good, the bad, the pretty and not so pretty, this is a little bit of my life, my thoughts and feelings, my journey.....

I hope you will stop by every so often and read on, share your thoughts and so forth....

Simply,

lizzie