Does "controlled chaos" really exist?

Lately, I have been introspective. Wondering about the place I am in, where I am going, what I am doing. There are decisions that are at my doorstep demanding answers and I can't help but reference past decisions and times.

I don't claim to be the the all-knowing-lizzie, nor do I presume to say I live every day in total wisdom. But even in all the smoke, mirrors and dust, I do understand. I am solid. I am grounded.

I used to be a youth pastor is San Diego. One of my most favorite things was working with Jr High kids. I loved it! One time, we had an event at my house and there were about 30 Jr high school kids. It was a sleepover and we did all kinds of cool stuff. We made sure to keep the calendar packed. From scavenger hunts in Laguna Beach to being outside in the freezing cold (for SoCal standards) playing capture the flag til 2am, we had a blast! (the goal was to tire them out!)
My ex-husband and I had it down to an art. We had it plotted to when kids were going to take showers, how we were going to feed them, get supplies, transport everyone here and there, etc, etc. My neighbor came over when we were getting ready for one of the events and she said, "oh my gosh! This is chaos! Why would you ever do this?" I smiled, looked back at some girls on the stairs acting giddy and braiding hair, some boys on the first floor playing pool, while some other boys were yelling from the second floor for someone to throw their towel up as another group zipped right passed us standing at the door. My response to her was, "This? This is all under control!" I believe I did, and still do have a firm grasp of controlled chaos! Some might believe that doesn't exist. I would challenge that by encouraging you to speak to the 22 junior high kids I took to Mexico on another trip to build an orphanage. They are all young adults now and I think they will vouch for me when I say that I had it pretty well under control! (Amanda, Chente, Chris and Ashley, chime in on this one with your comments!)

I tell that story because as I am scaling this unfamiliar wall, to those closest to me, it may appear that it is chaos. However, after spending everyday in these size 5 feet, the element of chaos is one that I can, have, and will continue to live in. A lot would say, "Well, that's just crazy!"

Yes, maybe it is.

But I really don't think I would change it. I have had the privilege of doing some pretty incredible things in my life. Meeting people that I am so grateful for. Experiencing things that very few will ever get to experience. I know a lot of people say that their lives are not average...but I can honestly say that I think my life has been extraordinary. I am grateful for the many doors that have opened for me. (Even if I charged some of them down!)

It is not that I thrive in chaos, but if doing the unusual means that I have to take unusual paths or methods, then I am ok with it.

I think I wrote it best in a picture I dedicated to my mom back in 1992. It was a photo taken from one of the beauty pageants I was in and I was thanking her for all she did. Among the scribbled lines to her I wrote, "you understand how much I want to be different to make a difference."

I think that sums up why I live my life the way I do. And I understand it doesn't make sense to many people.

So in all that is going on around me right now. To those living it out with me right now. I know it seems somewhat chaotic. But hang in there. My heart is steering the course. It's passion has allowed my eyes to feast on amazing things. Its determination has caused my mind to expand. And its resilience keeps me safe.

SO....

onward we go!