And if you are this far into reading, and you find yourself wanting to scroll past my stories to find out who with and when am I do....I am not referring to REALLY being pregnant.
Now breathe. Relax. And read on.
(she smiles)
What a day it has been today!
I don't know. My eyes opened at 7am after I had only been asleep for four hours. "It can't be! Body, go back to sleep!"
I hear my sister downstairs with the baby. No, not Abby, my niece. She is with the "furr-baby" my brother purchased for her a few weeks ago. (My sister is an amazing mother! I am blessed to get to learn so much from her. Even to a dog, she rocks!) I turn over in bed and just feel a sinking inside. Not sure why. I get up, grab my laptop and scribe.
The day continues. The clouds hovering over the big D today are perfect for the setting raging in my mind. Not sure why...just one of those days, I suppose.
FLASHBACKWhen I was 15 years old, I went to South Africa. One of the highlights of this trip was seeing Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe. They are the second largest waterfalls in the world. The coolest thing was that before I went to Africa, I saw this movie called The Power of One. There is a scene where the main character is standing at the falls. It was the coolest thing to physically be standing in the place I saw in this movie. The falls have nothing to do with my blog tonight, just a memory, however, there is a part in that movie that goes in line with some thoughts tonight. The main character speaks about how there are times that he feels so lonely. He references "loneliness birds". He says that they come into his heart, build nests, have eggs and make a home in his heart. He says they leave and then there are times when he "feels the loneliness birds hovering around his heart. Today, I felt the loneliness birds hovering around. Not sure why or what. I guess it just happens sometimes.
I went on with my day, ran the errands I had to do and then went to a bookstore, sat and read. As I sat there, I watched people going in and out. Ear-hustled a few conversations and made note of them in my mind thinking, "I'll have to share that story later in a blog. I'll make them famous!" LOL!
Earlier I spoke with a friend about some of the things going on with me and some of the transitions I am contemplating and he says, "I think you are just doing that so you can fore-go making a real decision."
"What?! How dare you!", I think to myself.
But it stayed with me all day.
Just yesterday I had a long conversation with my sister along the same vein. (Isn't it amazing how certain themes or ideas hit you over and over? Ya, well, it is happening.) So, I take note and mull them over until I am ready to contend with them.
Well. I am contending.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am always full of ....no, not crap! Full of ideas!!! (I know that is what you were thinking!) In knowing this, I talk about all kinds of crazy dreams, goals, ideas, both great and stupid and it is amazing that the same mouth that vocalizes some brilliant things, also spouts off some pretty dumb things. (OK, OK, stop nodding your heads over there!)
HOWEVER.
In all of that, there are a few things that are consistent. And I feel like they are really starting to surface. Like the foam, rising to the top. I mean, I never thought I would be 32 years old, feeling like my life is just about to start. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this place. Yet, HERE I am. I can change my outfits. Change my hair. Change what I call myself. Even move 800 miles here or there. The fact of the matter is that I am still HERE. So then. What is Lizzie going to do HERE?
Well, the way I see it is this:
It's time to stop confusing myself with the should's and could's and step in to the "I've got to!"
What I mean by that is that I feel like I need to stop living this life of, "I should do this. I could do that so that is what I should do." I have built a life, both professionally and personally building other people's dreams and ideas. If you know me, you know I can get passionate about anything. I can (and have) been so many people's cheerleader. And now, I feel its time I cheer me on and step into the "I've got to" of my life.
As the sun's light grew shorter today I found myself getting nervous, anxious and excited all at the same time.
I haven't been blessed with the privilege of bearing any children of my own, however, I have been blessed with getting to see many children born. (Don't worry, I'm not going into any kind of detail about it.) But I was thinking today about a woman who is having her first child. She is SO excited about it. But as the months pass, by the time they get to the 9th month, to say they feel miserable is sometimes putting it lightly. They can't sleep, back hurts, feel uncomfortable, etc. They are still excited about the baby, but they just want to have it already! They don't want to be pregnant anymore.
This is how I feel.
I feel like I am pregnant with this great desire and its not comfortable anymore. I am scared. But I am excited. I feel miserable and blessed at the same time. I feel anxious and worried, but so expectant and confident.
"I've got to!" Not because I can. Not because I should. But because I have just GOT TO get on with it. Just do it. Jump. It's in me. It may be dangerous. It may be crazy. It may never work.
What is it, you ask? Well, let me get my mind around some details before my big reveal. But I feel ready. It's time to stop dreaming. I need to get on with it and "git er done". (Yes, that is the redneck, NASCAR influence I have been indoctrinated into here in Texas)
I know my blogs have been super vulnerable lately. A lot of "real" thoughts. But what the heck! For the good and the bad. This is me. Lizzie. The REAL Lizzie, just sharing my life as I'm living it out.
SO...Tonight, as the loneliness birds continue to hover, for the first time in my life, my mind and heart aren't fixated on them. Not that I am denying they are there. But my soul is busy preparing me for this great birth. (Dramatic, I know!) But seriously, regardless of the day, how I feel or don't feel, one thing is certain tonight....
I'm pregnant with this dream!
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