I pray you are in joy and good health when you read these words. I apologize it has been so long since I have last written. Please know it is not because I don't have much to share, I think its been more that I haven't had the courage to sit and write. I have little notes in my phone, in my notebooks, on little random pieces of paper....just hadn't made the time to get it all together.
This entry may be a little all over the place, but I hope you bare with me because I think some of it is going to be really good! These are the things that I have been going through as we are navigating through the holidays.
Living like Noah - in faith
It is believed that Noah spent 50+ years building an ark for a flood that would one day come. FIFTY SOME YEARS! Imagine? Listening to the ridicule and people looking at him as if he were crazy. Living in FAITH that he was being obedient and doing what he was called to do. I imagine there were times when he struggled. Doubted. Got frustrated and wondered what in the world he was doing this for...wondering if he would be made a fool of.
A few weeks ago, we had lots of ice where we live and work was canceled. We were home for about 5 days on lockdown. We couldn't go anywhere. I got so much cleaning done. One morning, I woke up and told my husband I was ready to go through Crea's room and organize. He asked me if I was sure and I told him I was fine.
When I returned from the hospital, my parents came to our home and put everything baby related in her room and closed the doors. There were a couple of times that I ventured in but fell apart when I saw her crib or little onsies, shoes, or toys we had received. So on this day, I felt like I was ready to tackle her room.
So I began.
I sorted all her little clothes and put them in her dresser. I took all the diapers out of the holder and put them in a bag so I could donate them. I went through all her little toys and put them in a special place. I cleaned up her crib and set it up to get it ready to go. I took her carseat and stored it in the closet. Piece by piece, I set up a baby's room. A room for a baby who isn't here. One that is in heaven and one that is a hope and a dream right now. I asked Terry, "does this make me look crazy?" As loving and supportive as he always is, he said, "No, we are going to need that room one day." As I prepared a room for a baby who isn't here, I thought about how Noah must have felt.
Equally, Terry and I reminisced about when we bought her crib. I found it and told Terry, "we need to go and get it right now." We weren't even 10 weeks pregnant. He said, "are you sure?" To which I replied, "I am TIRED of living in fear! NO MORE!"
You see, ever pregnancy I have waited to "make sure" before I did anything so I wouldn't have to live with the hurtful disappointment. But this time, I was done with waiting. I knew that I knew that I knew that we were going to get through this pregnancy! I never imagined we wouldn't bring our baby home. But in all, our little girl was born to us and were able to carry a pregnancy to term. We are grateful for that. So for now, we are like Noah...living in faith and with a dream and hope of what may be one day. Our baby's rooms is ready!
Living like Noah - Learning to be a friend of God
Today at church, we sang an older song. It is a song that I remember singing when I was in high school. There is a verse that says, "you're my closest friend, I'll never let you go" When I said those words, I couldn't get the tears out of my throat. You see, to say that He is my friend means that I trust Him. The Bible says that Noah was a friend of God. There was trust there. My goodness! For 50+ years, Noah had to rely that his friend wasn't going to let him fail. He had to TRUST!
I am not saying that I don't trust God. I am saying that I think there is a difference between faith and trust. Faith is my spirit. My spirit clings to my Savior for dear life! I think trust comes more from the mind. I would be lying to you if I didn't admit that I have had moments where I have wondered what the plan is? Why are we having to go through this? How come it had to be this way? I am human...
My faith sustains me in that I whole heartedly KNOW He has a plan for us and that He will complete that which he has begun. It is my mind that I need to get into check every so often. There are days that I am learning to trust and allow Him to be my friend again. Because ultimately, the majority of the time, I do trust Him. I am learning to turn this next page over to Him...with all courage!
Getting thru the Holidays
In all, we are almost through the Holidays; one more left!
They have proven to be very difficult. As much as we had tried to prepare ourselves mentally for what was to come, it was still very difficult. Both Terry and I have had moments where the pain seems too unbearable. But just as with anything, those moments pass and we breathe again. We are so grateful for our family and friends who are so courageous to press into us.
Our local newspaper had a "year in review". I normally read our local paper cover to cover (since it is only about 8 pages). As I looked through the pages, they listed all the obituaries and my eyes immediately found it. Crea Jacqueline Rumbo, 0
Ugh! It was like a 2x4 to the gutt! My goodness! I looked up the list and down the list and the majority of folks on the list were 60+ with many in their 80's and 90's. I broke down and wept. I was fine all day and then saw that.....too much!
I HATE that my daughter's name is on there. I hate that my daughter's name is the only name with a "0". Talk about breaking a mother's heart!! I mean, I get it. It is a tribute. I don't want to dishonor that. It just makes me sad. I don't like seeing her name on this list.
For now, we have one more holiday to go. New Year's. Today our pastor spoke about 2014 and how it will be a year of Victory. It was such a great service! As hard as it may be to move forward, to dream again and make plans, we must. To honor her. To honor our journey. To honor all.
So we are going to sit down in the next couple of days and as Habakkuk 2:2 says, we will "write the vision down".
We will do this in faith, TRUSTING that He is ever faithful! He gives us new life and new hope and in this, we stand strong.
Blessings all!
2 comments:
I cannot express the inspiration you give me through your words. You share your suffering to show me what true strength is all about. You share your doubts to help me understand faith. You encourage me to be stronger and more faithful every day.
You remind me that everyone is suffering to some extent and to have a compassionate heart towards everyone no matter what I may be going through.
Your posts stir my heart. Crea, though her life was short, has made a HUGE impact and accomplished more than most of us have in our long lives. She has inspired life, love, compassion, strength, joy, and belief in so many people. Her strength and yours have shown us Christ. I am glad you moved in next door. I look forward to being neighbors here on earth and in Christ.
God Bless, Nina
Thank you so very much for your comment. I touches me so deeply. It is an honor to share our story. We have known from the beginning that our lives would be changed by this child, but we had NO idea how greatly it would be changed. She has and continues to amaze and bless us also. And although we are bent, we are not broken.
It isn't always easy to share the not so good. But I have committed to share ALL our story...the good, the bad and the in between. It helps me. Equally, "I know we are not the only ones." those words echo'd in my mind all night the day she passed away. Because we are not the only ones, we will share our lives in hopes that, as you have shared, will bless others! Thank you so much!!!! Big hug!
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