God's Little Mercies

The days go by and every single day different events from the past few months replay in my head. As I replay them, in the typical Elisa/Lizzie form, I analyze them.

The other day Terry was sharing about how he regrets he wasn’t there at Crea’s birth. When he said that, I told him that I wondered if that was one of God’s little mercies. Because I was laying on a table with a curtain between my head and the rest of my body, I didn’t see when they pulled Crea from my womb.

The doctors later shared with us that she was born not only with all her organs outside her body, but the bag that normally holds all the organs in place had ruptured. They took her to surgery and it was there that they would place all her organs in a bag to help keep moisture to them til we could figure out what the next steps were.

…at a later time, I will share what they found in surgery and what transpired the hours after that til she took her last breathes.

For now, in thinking of God’s little mercies, I also thought about our very first day at the hospital; July 8 2013.

At 4am, my water bag ruptured. It was a Monday morning. Sunday, after going to CareNow, they started me on antibiotics because I had strep throat. On Sunday, I told Terry that I felt bad for Crea because I had been coughing so much and so hard she was probably in there wondering what the heck was going on.

Terry and I drove to the nearest hospital which was in Denton and by 7am we were well on our way to Ft Worth in the ambulance. I have never made it faster in Monday morning traffic! I smile when I think about looking up at Terry; he was like a little kid. He kept looking out the front window telling me how all the cars were moving over…he was so excited! (I love this man of mine.)

When we got to the hospital, our doctor met us and said there was a chance that we would be delivering that day. We set into prayer mode. We were only at 24 weeks and we knew that delivering her that early wasn’t a good thing. He told us that normally, when the water bag ruptures, delivery is eminent within 3 days. We prayed and believed we would make it passed the 3 days. Then the 7 days. Then the many weeks to get us to week 28 which was the week they said they needed her to be at before they could even consider operating. We actually made it to 34 weeks!

But when we were in the room that very first day, waiting to see what would happen, they had one of the NICU doctors come and speak to us.  He had been briefed about Crea’s diagnosis’ and he wanted to explain what all this meant for him. During that time, he also talked to us about what they are capable of. He said they had amazing machines who could support life for as long as we wanted. He said the question you have to ask yourself is, “are you prolonging the inevitable or are you helping to get to the next step of healing.”

At the time, when he shared this, Terry and I felt that it would never apply to us. The doctor spoke so tenderly, we received his words but never thought they would return to our minds.

Fast forward to the night of Sept 6, 2013. Crea was out of surgery and we were waiting to see if her body would respond. Her NICU doctor told us, “I need to see that she is still fighting.”

It was a long night.

Terry and I spoke that night about all they had told us they found during the operation. The entire 8 months that we had been going through this journey, we did because she did. We knew that the fight started and stopped with her. When we went to see her after the operation, it was a difficult visit. She had an entire section of the NICU separated for her because of the amount of machines she needed. It was overwhelming…more on that later.

Now, Terry and I speak of how that doctors words resonated in our minds that night. Words we thought would never apply to us. Here we were, thinking we would have to make a decision no parent should ever have to make. But because those seeds had been planted two months before, they were not foreign to us nor were they harmful to us.  We were blessed that we were not forced to make that choice…in her typical, strong form, Crea chose. She had no fight left within her and she was ready.  Yet another one of God’s mercies…

We have had many people tell us they don’t know how we have done it. How we have gone through this journey. This is what we say.

You never know what you are able to get through until you are forced to go through. The human spirit is an amazing thing. The love of a parent is an amazing thing. In the end, Terry and I made a choice. We knew that this journey could make us better or bitter. We had a choice. And as Terry said, “I will not dishonor my daughter’s life.”  I believe the ability to live a life of excellence and a life of joy is in all of us. Despite what happens. Despite our circumstance. Despite our past. We have a choice to believe that there is good and there can be good brought out of any situation. It is a choice…to believe despite.

We are grateful for God’s little mercies along the ways that have protected us and is helping us get thru each moment.