The softer, kinder side of me...

Do you ever feel that there is a lesson you NEED to learn, but it doesn't quite get through your thick skull or selfish pride?

Do you notice that all of the sudden, that lesson becomes a re-occurring theme in your life?

Well, if you don't know what I am talking about...let me drop some knowledge!

I have been feeling for a while now that I need to get back to the softer, kinder side of me. After my divorce, it's almost as if I lost that vulnerability. Like if somewhere between the pain and breathing again I forgot what it is to be a girl...a woman.

When I moved to Dallas, I felt that I needed to show everyone that I was OK...I was good to go!
So I put on a facade of this "strong" person. Which was ok for a while, but now that time has passed, I realize that something is missing.

There used to be a side of me that was carefree. A side that hurt when others hurt. A side that was proud of being vulnerable...even if it meant being hurt sometimes.

I got to thinking about this a while back and it has continued to be a lingering thought in my mind and a gentle voice in my heart. Since that time, it's as if those close to me have become "billboards of change". LOL! Big sit down conversations to little comments in passing to me reading articles, listening to people and even situations happening in my life are all campaigning in hopes I "get it".

A story! (if you will permit me)

When I was about 11 years old, I went to a camp out with a group of youth from church. There was a couple that had been together for a long time For the purpose of this story, I will call them Steve and Julie. They were about 8 or 9 years older than me and were the “older” crowd, however, I had a crush on Steve and I was jealous of Julie. I never let anyone know. Growing up, I was pretty tom-boyish so I loved camping and went out of my way to show everyone that I could hold my own. We drove up there in a small bus and when we got there, set up camp. Some of the girls and I were sitting on the bus chatting. Julie was sitting in the bench in front of me. Our conversation was silenced when we heard a shout in the air. “BEAR!!!”

The girls started screaming and I jumped out of my seat, down the aisle and outside to see what and where. I saw Steve in the distance and we made eye contact and he yells at me, “where is Julie? Where is Julie?” I tell him she is on the bus. He charges through EVERYTHING that is in front of him and bolts to the bus entrance. I follow right after him. He gets in the bus and Julie looks up at him and starts to cry. He takes her in his arms and starts telling her that she is safe. Nothing will happen to her. He is there. She does not need to be afraid.

I was so jealous of her.

I remember standing there at the entrance of the bus thinking, “why did I jump out? Why didn’t I stay there in my seat and act scared and start crying?” LOL!! I laugh, but I am totally serious!

I thought about this moment in my life the other day and I asked myself, "Did you see Julie as weak?"

No, I didn't.

Although I have allowed time to pass, maybe parts of my heart and mind to harden and have allowed sensitivity to diminish, I am seeing everyday it isn't who I was, who I am, and most definitely not who I want to be.

SO...
As I walk through every day, I am learning to get back to the Lizzie that has a genuine laugh, a sincere concern for her fellow man, an earnest desire to relinquish control and a heart that is ready for some things to change. I very much look forward to looking in the mirror one day and seeing a softer, kinder side of me gently smiling back!

A dear friend of mine heard that I was looking for jammies with feet on them (like when I was a kid).
She found them and bought me a pair....so cozy!