Some dreams just may never come true....

So yesterday we experienced the first ever elected African American President. First, I think it is a bit sad that it is about the color of our skin, but all in all, I do still understand its significance.

I watched the inauguration and this morning I read all the articles. I thought...wow! A dream has come true. All day, everyday, I see dreams coming true for people all around me. Dreams of owning a home. Finding someone that will love us unconditionally. Dreams of having the "perfect" job. Dreams of getting an education.
I am amazed how everyday, there are dreams that are coming true for so many people, including myself. But in all of those awesome dreams coming true, I also am beginning to understand and accept that some dreams just may never come true.

It is sad. Something I don't want to accept, but regardless if I want to or not, it will stay true. My personality has always been one where I say, "never say never". In most things I run in at full charge and don't let anything or anyone get in my way. Words are idle. Blockades are futile. There is something I believe to be true and hell or high water, I am going to come to realize it.

I feel that for most all things. But today, for whatever reason, I woke and as soon as I opened my eyes, under my breathe I whispered, "You will never be a mother. This dream is not for you." Even as I scribe these words now, I have a lump in my throat and I fight the water that gathers in my eyes. To this hopeless dream, I concede. I will no longer collect baby stuff for my children. I will no longer research names to find their perfect meaning for my perfect kids. I will no longer live my life as if one day it will no longer be just mine. I will no longer look at pictures of happy families and think, "one day that will be me".

After a handful of miscarriages, false pregnancies and tears shed in joy and in pain at the same time, I concede. I am done wondering why.

I will no longer hope and be disappointed. I will no longer act ungrateful when my life is so full of so many other amazing things! I will no longer act like a selfish child wanting it all. I will be completely grateful, not just partially.

As I release this hopeless dream and accept that my role is not to be mother, I have to believe my heart will begin to heal. In so many things, I continue to believe despite. But in this area....I am tired. I am empty. I am done. I know that some dreams just may never come true.