Be Here....

"Be Here.
Be in the moment.
Be who you are.
Good. Bad.
Stop trying to put on a face you think the world, others will accept."

These words were brought before me twice in one week. (The second time because I forgot them, if I MUST be frank.)

Here's the thing. Lately, I have been thinking about how can a person reconcile the heart, the mind and the soul to be in line. My pondering first birthed the thought, "what IS 'in line' exactly?" The fact of the matter, is even as I scribe these words, I don't know what that is. Some that live their lives saturated in religion might say, "in line with God's Word". Then there are those whose lives are based on a standard of faith that might say, "in line with the right thing. choose the right" Then there are those who just live their lives to be happy. Their happy. No one else. They would say, "in line with what pleases you". Of course, there are an array of opinions when it comes to determining what is "in line." For me, right now, I am not sure I completely know the answer. I think the heart, mind and soul all have a common thread, maybe a couple of them. However, do I think that all three can be in line completely? In ALL things? HHMM....I'm not sure! I am on that path now to find out.

However, when it comes to "be who you are". I guess this is something I have been contending with for some time. (I blogged a bit about it before) I am finding that sometimes, people don't always want to see it. It is one thing to live a life where you are always "on stage" with the glory of make-up, wardrobe, lights, etc. But to live life off the stage and show frailty, vulnerability, the softer sides. To show that maybe you don't always have it all together. To show the sad side. To show a side that isn't perfect. Doesn't have it all together. Has doubts and doesn't always put on the song and dance of "it's all good." I am finding that "be who you are" is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. In fact, so far as to say that it is almost like I feel that sometimes being who you are means that others aren't going to be ok. Feeling like I am wrong or like it just isn't enough. The dynamic of it is...well...so DYNAMIC! For me, I've always wanted to gain acceptance from those around me. It is important to me that my circle is "happy with me". That has meant that a lot of times, the truth of situations, hurts, disappointments, life hasn't always been shown. I guess I understand now why people say the truth is sometimes better to hide.

I feel like I am at a place in my life where so much has changed. But I feel it has been for the good. I feel like I am finally OK to be off the stage and looking at myself in the mirror, I actually like what is reflected. Although a little aged and imperfect, I think she is beautiful. Although the signs of sleepless nights and failed tries show in her eyes, I am still proud of her. Although I look at her and realize that she will probably disappoint one day...maybe soon...I am still willing to put my money on her success. I am finally at a place where the broken reflection is ok. No. More than ok. It is real. It is strong in its broken-ness. It is kind, even through the harsh external. It is happy. It is at peace.

The moment to me now is full of so many questions. Sometims feeling like a disappointment to others. Questions of wondering if I am doing the right thing. Doubts of the person I am and if I am "enough".

But in all that, although, my mind is overwhelmed with so much, my heart and my soul are very much at peace. The reflection is still beautiful. Thru the struggle, I very much feel content. Peaceful. Grateful.

Imperfection is so imperfect! It requires that you get through the flaws and still see the beauty that lies beside and behind it.

I don't know, I am probably just babbling, but just some things I've been thinking about.

I guess...selfiish as it may sound. I know my heart. I know my mind. I know my soul. I know they are good. They are constantly at an aim for joy. With and for those around me. But if what you see doesn't hold the allure or grandier of the stage me and it is too hard to see, to be around, I am left with nothing to say.